Sunday, December 14, 2008

Fear

We've reached December, everyone, which for those of us who are seasonal, is never a particularly good thing. This year, the effect of lack of daylight on me seems to be an increase in fear. Don't worry. I'm not panicky. I'm just angsty. Lovely.

I'm afraid I'll spend the day playing Eight Letters in Search of a Word, and I won't get my work done, and I'll have to go to school with ungraded tests no plan. I'm afraid my dog is mad at me for not wanting to walk him these days. I'm afraid I'll never run again. I'm afraid I'm out of food. I'm afraid that my heart is frozen. I'm afraid my mom will read this, convince herself that I'm depressed and worry about me. I'm afraid I can't make new friends. I'm afraid I'll have to look for a new job this summer. I'm afraid that Facebook is stealing all of my personal information in order to target ads at me and it still shows me diet ads. I'm afraid that I'll never get my master's degree. I'm afraid that my married friends will outgrow me. I'm afraid that I missed the deadline to invest in my 403(b). I'm afraid that my students are cheating. I'm afraid that I'm too easy a grader. I'm afraid that the rain will freeze to my car and I'll have to spend the morning hacking it out of the ice. I'm afraid that once I get my car out of the ice, the roads will be so slippery I'll go in the ditch. I'm afraid of the economy and the war and the crazy white supremicists who want to kill the president.

See? You don't want to be in this head. I'm telling you. It's loud in here.

4 comments:

swabmenot said...

I'm afraid that I'll try to say something kind and reassuring, but it will instead be perceived as annoying and condescending. But I'll try to say something kind and reassuring anyway. Similarly, I have a feeling that these things that you're afraid of won't stop you from going to work tomorrow, from seeking joy, and from just carrying on and doing the most that you can. Some of those fears you listed are completely outside your control, but the ones that aren't are no match for you. It might be hard to see it now, but you've done some very impressive things that inspire me when I think of you. Hopefully there's a part of your brain that always knows what you've done and what you're capable of, and won't let the nervous parts have complete control.

Alex said...

That's very kind. Thanks, Dave. Maybe it will be helpful tomorrow. Is winter over, yet?

Lisa said...

Oh, I feel you. Winter and its short days and long, dark nights (particularly where you are!) don't help anything. I've been taking Vitamin D and using a sun lamp and I feel like they've really helped - both in terms of the crazyhead stuff and the amount of carbs/sugar I eat in the winter.

Alex said...

Thanks, Lisa. I pulled out my dusty old sunlamp today, for the first time. Maybe I'll try vitamin D. The whole problem is that I got sick and I haven't run for over a week, which is all kinds of trouble for someone like me in December.